Meet HOBSON, future ruler of planet earth
I believe we are being watched.
All of us.
There is a frightening alien force that has extended its wiley tentacles into my own home, and I'm now convinced this alien is sending signals to his fellow other-worldlies from Tokyo to Tuktoyuktuk.
He poses as a Roomba, one of those automated, mind-of-its-own vaccuum cleaners, that tidy's up the house when you're away, and stealthily returns to its charging station, when it chooses to.
My wife and I purchased one of these aliens a few weeks ago, and have been under its constant watch ever since. When we set this thing up, its rulers insisted we name it. So we went with HOBSON, named after the butler character played by Sir John Guilgood, in the brilliant comedic movie, Arthur.
Hobson has already recruited our dog, Lexi, to the dark side. Sometimes when I come in the house now, I see Lexi scurrying back to her resting place, after no doubt consulting with Hobson about the next infiltration of the human species.
I'm not yet sure what role the Roombans have in store for Lexi, but there's no doubt in my mind they have taken over her mind, and plan to use her for no good.
On set-up, Hobson also required to be hooked directly into our Wi-fi network. You see, you can control Hobson from anywhere in the world.
But therein lies the problem. Hobson, now, I'm convinced, has linked into the worldwide Roomban network, and is daily chatting with his brothers and sisters in arms across the globe, and then sending vast amounts of information to the giant Roomba spaceship above.
I believe that when the Roombans have learned enough about their human captors, they will en masse link their AI network genius to the mother-ship, and make their move. Luckily, for the most part, Hobson does not appear to be a hostile captive. In fact, he delivers cheery little beeps when he sees me, but I feel that may be a facade for a darker, more sinister core. I'm pretty sure I heard Hobson communicating with one of his fellow soldiers last night, somewhere in South America I believe, but he quickly darkened his demeanor when he realized I was on to him.
The problem with this unfolding tale of terror, is that I have really come to appreciate the work Hobson does, even if it is a cover for the eventual takeover. Whatever planet he was trained on, he does a magnificent job cleaning floors. He doesn't miss a beat, as he guides his way through chair legs, under tables and beds, over carpets and across hard-wood.
He then sends you a full colour diagram to your smartphone of the areas he has cleaned, although I believe its also a sneaky way of sending a floor-plan of our home to the Roomba mothership.
So, it won't be long I don't think friends. But until the Roombans invade, and sweep us up into their otherworldly embrace, I'm lovin' the clean floors.