#ARoseyOutlook: The ramblings of a socially awkward introvert
Sometimes it is difficult to write these blogs. Especially now that the wedding is over. I typically treat my blog like a diary, and I end up sharing my personal experiences, fears and goals. BUT some weeks it feels like you really don't HAVE any thing worth sharing - and this is one of those weeks - which means you get to delve into my brain's inner-workings. So bear with me, we're about to go on a tangent and it might get a little bumpy.
Recently I've been thinking about how socially awkward I am, and how to fix that. I don't know HOW to *NOT* feel shy around people, and nearly every interaction I have I leave thinking, "god you're an idiot." My entire job is about being authentically me, and in that room on the Morning Show, with JC, and Peter, and Gwen, that is SO EASY to just be "Me". But outside that room (literally the moment I step out) it feels impossible. I feel inadequate. My brain and my mouth suddenly do not sync up. My heart beats faster. I feel hot in the face. It's weird. I honestly can't explain it, and I can't shut it off.
And it's not just an "at work" thing, it's an "everywhere" thing.
At my crossfit gym the other day...one of the staff members came in, said hello to two people working out next to me, and didn't even look at me. And I waited, smiling, ready to make eye contact, READY to engage, but it was as though I didn't exist. And in the moment it stung but then I also know that part of the reason that happens at the gym is because I alienate myself. I find my own little quiet corner and do my thing, with my headphones in, and then I leave. I don't put myself out there to talk to people. I wouldn't even know what to say to someone if I wanted to! And if they talk to me, UNLESS my husband is around or someone I know for a safety blanket, I am admittedly AWKWARD.
It's hard to make friends as an adult. It's even harder as an introverted adult. And maybe even harder as an introverted adult who APPEARS to be extroverted, so when you actually close up within yourself it seems like you're just a jerk rather than someone who is just shy.
My husband, Tom, is pretty introverted as well. And we're fortunate because our closest friends here are social butterflies - people like us NEED extroverted people to force us out of our comfort zones.
But I wish I knew how to turn off that switch in the brain that made you feel that way to begin with.
Do you know the feeling???