Mel's World: So, what’s wrong with me anyway?
Depression is a commonly used word, and anxiety seems to be used in the same conversations, but what happens, when your just mad all the time, exhausted, constantly worried about things like your work, is it good enough, are you being taken seriously enough, is this as far as you’re going to get in your career.
As I’ve come to learn, this is all part of MY depression. I’ve had a lot of loss in my life in the past three years, and for some reason I’ve decided not to deal with any of it. The fear of looking weak, or not being strong enough to look after someone else, or to help someone else, has kept everything that has happened pushed away in a corner of myself, but much like a storage spot in your house, if you don’t open it up once in a while, it’s going to spill out.
I started to see a psychologist. She, a third party, with no connection to anyone or anything in my life, said what I feel is ok to feel. (can you imagine!) After my first appointment, I spent three days in bed, not able…or maybe unwilling to get up. I spent three days feeling three years’ worth of grief, loss, anger, and frustration. I came to work on a Monday, I walked into the C100 studio fresh back from vacation, and Peter Harrison and Gwen were in the studio finishing up some work, Peter asked how my vacation was, I said fine, he said really? Just fine? And then it happened. I lost all control over myself, and my emotions, and the harder I tried to pull it in, the worse it got. I was on air, all my bosses were of course on vacation, so I was in a situation where I was afraid of what was happening, I didn’t understand WHY it was happening, and I was on the radio.
In a weird way, I am proud that in the middle of what was happening there were one maybe two breaks I couldn’t pull myself together for. I went home right after my show and went back to bed. The next day I came back to work, I felt empty, cloudy, fuzzy, but the weight wasn’t so bad. Day by day since then, with the help of an anti-depressant and my psychologist, I’ve felt a little more like myself. I have days that slide backwards just this morning I had to force myself out of bed, but now I understand that the backwards slide doesn’t need to keep happening.
People believe that Depression is just being sad, crying….but that’s not how I feel most of the time. If I’m having “A Day” I’m angry and I lash out over small things. Asking me to do something I don’t feel capable of doing is THE WORST thing, could be as simple as taking out the garbage, or even going to eat supper, I’m quick to anger.
So if you’re fighting through it, if you’re standing up to it, if you have to use a day to catch your breath so you can stand up to it tomorrow, SAME. Yours might not feel like mine, but it’s the same beast, and we can do this.