Billie Eilish On Self-Harming: 'I Felt Like I Deserved To Be In Pain'

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Billie Eilish has revealed that her life between the ages of 13 and 16 was “pretty rough.”

In an interview with Rolling Stone, the 17-year-old singer recalled suffering a hip injury at 13 that forced her to give up dance.

“That’s when the depression started. It sent me down a hole,” Eilish said. “I went through a whole self-harming phase — we don’t have to go into it. But the gist of it was, I felt like I deserved to be in pain.”

Eilish said she occasionally sees girls at her concerts with scars on their arms. “It breaks my heart,” she admitted. “I don’t have scars anymore because it was so long ago. But I’ve said to a couple of them, ‘Just be nice to yourself.’ Because I know. I was there.”

The “Bad Guy” singer admitted she had nightly panic attacks before heading out on tour.

“I cried for two hours every night. It was really, really bad,” she said. “Thinking about that literally made me throw up. I’m not a throw-upper, but I threw up twice, from the anxiety.”

MORE: Billie Eilish Speaks Up About Mental Health

One day, Eilish said, she found herself on her bathroom floor trying to think of something to look forward to. “I could not think of one thing. I thought for a long time, too,” she recalled. “I was like, ‘There has to be something.’ But there was nothing.”

Eilish said she was scared to be alone. “I would break down and kind of crumble,” she said. “I felt unsafe with myself, even for an hour.

“I don’t trust myself when I’m alone.”

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