WATCH: 5 Cheesy Holiday Music Videos
Let’s face it, a lot of Christmas songs are just plain creepy.
There’s the seasonal celebration of stalking, “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town," the festive ode to adultery, “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus," and the holiday tale of taunting innocent people, “Frosty The Snowman” (Really? “Down to the village / with a broomstick in his hand / Running here and there, all around the square / sayin’ catch me if you can”).
And let’s not get started on the sexual assault and forcible confinement themes in “Baby It’s Cold Outside.”
Of course, the creep factor in holiday music is exceeded only by the cheese factor (does anyone really think riding in a one-horse open sleigh is “oh what fun?”).
Over the years, artists and others hoping to cash in at Christmas have recorded songs that have upped the cheese content: Cyndi Lauper’s “Christmas Conga,” Bryan Adams' "Reggae Christmas" and Paul McCartney’s “Wonderful Christmas Time” come to mind.
Not surprisingly, all this holiday cheese oozed its way into music videos. Here are five that made it on to the naughty list:
“Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays” - *NSYNC
What do you get when you mix together primitive green-screen technology, the late Gary Coleman, precocious children, and a boy band living with questionable hair and clothing choices? This Kraft-worthy 1998 holiday pop song from *NSYNC that leaves us with so many questions, not the least of which is why JC Chasez didn’t go on to become a bigger star.
“Merry Christmas Santa Claus” - Max Headroom
Not many songs with “Santa Claus” in the title are able to work “Bethlehem” and “colostomy” into the lyrics but that’s exactly what songwriters Paul Owen and David Hansen did for this 1986 track. Ostensibly performed by Max Headroom – a faux A.I. character that was popular at the time – this holiday song, admittedly, has a chorus that’s hard not to sing along to. Plus, Max Headroom is actually Ottawa’s own Matt Frewer.
“Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)” - Cher ft. Rosie O’Donnell
If your Christmas playlist is lacking a dance beat (and the vocal stylings of a certain comedian and former talk show host) you’re in luck! Cher – who sang backing vocals on the 1963 original version – recorded this holiday favourite for then-talk show host Rosie O’Donnell’s A Rosie Christmas album. It features the same vocal effect used on Cher’s smash hit “Believe.” Cher, Rosie, a disco beat… this is a song worthy of donning your gay apparel.
“All I Want For Christmas Is You” - Mariah Carey ft. Justin Bieber
Mariah Carey’s 1994 hit “All I Want For Christmas Is You” is arguably one of the best Christmas pop songs ever crafted – so we’re still wondering why anyone thought it needed a bit of Biebs. Oh, and when this version was released in 2011, Justin Bieber was 17 and Carey was 42.
“8 Days Of Christmas” - Destiny’s Child
Beyoncé can do no wrong, right? Well… even the most fierce defender of Queen Bey would have a hard time justifying a song with lyrics like: “On the seventh day of Christmas / My baby gave to me a nice back rub / and then he massaged my feet.” Even the songwriters knew this was a dud – they cut four days of Christmas out of the song.