Tara MacLean, who has spent nearly three decades being open and vulnerable through music, wasn’t always so sure she was ready to share more of herself in Song of the Sparrow: A Memoir.
“About a month before the book was to be released, I felt really nervous and thought, can I stop this whole thing?,” MacLean, 49, told iHeartRadio.ca. “But now I’m just so glad.”
This is because since it was published last month, MacLean’s story has touched and inspired so many. “I didn’t set out to write a self-help book," she explained. "I wanted to tell the story, I thought maybe it would help people. I didn’t think too much about it.”
An honest and unflinching look back at the Canadian singer-songwriter’s tumultuous life, Song of the Sparrow is packed with disturbing but compelling stories of poverty, religious fundamentalism, sexual abuse, body dysmorphia and attempted suicide. But, it is a story of survival and a celebration of the strength and resilience of women – and what they pass down through the generations. (“My mother had a mind of her own,” MacLean writes, “and she was very, very hard to oppress.”)
The title, which MacLean explains in the book comes from her mother Sharlene calling MacLean her “little sparrow," is apt: The titular bird manages to navigate perils like predators, adapt to unpredictable living situations, and survive things that would kill most other living things (see: electrical wires) – and yet never stop singing.
MacLean writes: “Our home was frighteningly tense … I have no doubt that my dad loved my mother, and I understand the pressures of poverty and that strict religious dogma can bring out the worst in people. But we had nothing. Not a crumb. And it felt like the love was dissolving.”
She opens up about being groomed and preyed upon by men in her family. “When we were born, my mother went to her father and made him promise he would never touch us. He assured her that he never would … She told him she would rip his heart out if he ever touched us. He did, and she didn’t. So, when the moment was right many years later, I took it upon myself to make sure that he paid.”
Instead of bitterness and hate, MacLean writes with hard-to-fathom empathy and forgiveness.
The offer to write the book was sparked by a July 2020 article at iHeartRadio.ca about a powerful message MacLean shared on Facebook. It caught the attention of literary agent Carolyn Forde, who reached out to MacLean.
“We talked about me maybe writing a book and I was really excited about that idea,” recalled MacLean. “I wrote a few chapters and she sent those to HarperCollins and they picked it up immediately.”
The book was followed by Sparrow, a collection of seven re-imagined cuts of MacLean’s songs and three new ones.
In addition to her own music, MacLean is one-third (with Kim Stockwood and Damhnait Doyle) of Canadian group Shaye, which had the hit "Happy Baby" in 2003. “We had our reunion last summer for the 20th anniversary and we haven’t stopped moving towards the possibility of continuing to create music together,” MacLean teased. “We keep talking about songs, we have a few shows that we’ve played since and have coming up. That is going to be a lifelong thing for us."
For now, MacLean is focused on promoting Song of the Sparrow at events where she sings, reads passages and takes questions. She will be in Ottawa on April 13, Montreal on April 14 and Charlottetown on April 23.
But first, she spoke to iHeartRadio.ca.
Did you have any hesitations at all about writing a memoir?
No! It felt really right. I was just following the magic, really, that this opportunity opened up to write a book. I know that getting a publishing deal isn’t the easiest thing so the way that it happened just felt really right. When I started writing, the book just happened. I worked really hard with my editor [Jennifer Lambert] and it was just a delight. She’s so encouraging and tender with the intense subject matter and really helped me to be braver.
Were you tempted to leave certain things out of the book?
There are some things, for sure. You can’t tell all of the stories in your life in that amount of time. There were some stories where I wondered if it would actually move the book ahead, you know, if it was going to do anyone any good or if it was really going to cause harm. That didn’t feel right to me. I’m not mad at anybody.
You definitely don’t come off as bitter in the book.
No, and I’m really glad because I’m so not. I’m just so grateful for everything that ever happened to me and for me. I’m glad that comes across.
So, you had no reservations about what to share?
There were definitely some reservations but I had this feeling that for my first draft I could just go for it. I could just lay it all out there and then having the incredible professional witness of an editor to be able to take that first draft and say “Okay, what’s important.” I didn’t hold back at all. There were a few things where I said I don’t know if I can put this out. I don’t know if this feels okay and [Lambert] said “I want you to hold for a minute and just wait and I just want you to know how strong this moment is. I know it’s scary to talk about but I want you to realize that this is a very powerful pinnacle of a moment.” She really held my hand when I did want to back out of some things and I’m super grateful for that.
Did you think about how people would react to what you were writing?
I just feel like I wrote the truest thing I could and I hope it doesn’t hurt anyone. I hope it helps people – but at the end of the day I can’t really control that. I can only put out the piece of work that I put out and I hope… in my deepest heart I really hope that it helps people.
“Brave” is a good word to describe a lot of what you shared.
I’m a songwriter so my whole job is basically turning myself inside out and putting myself on stage and bleeding all over everybody (laughs), so in a way I had been preparing for this. I don’t know if I felt brave. It just felt like I’m at a point in my life where I can be really, really honest. You get one shot at writing a memoir so I just wanted to bring it. I just wanted to give it everything I had so the moments that felt brave were the moments that I was trembling while I was writing because it was so scary to share certain events. Sometimes I would go back to read what I had written after the fact and they would be written in the present tense as if I was currently experiencing that scenario.
You triggered yourself while writing.
Yes, exactly. And then it was out of me, right? I would excavate very deeply, pull it out and then it was gone. It’s pretty amazing how we can move trauma with art.
How would you compare writing this book and writing songs?
It was actually strangely similar. For me, they’re both works of poetry and there’s a certain zone that I have to get into. When I’m writing a song there’s silence around me and then the music comes out. When I was writing the book, I created a playlist of music – that I’m going to share at some point – that just sort of dropped me in this place between worlds where my time machine was very accessible in my mind so I created a mood around me, sonically, so I could then drop into the poetry of writing the book.
Reading the book gives new insight into your songs.
Absolutely. Oh my gosh, absolutely. That’s sort of the point is that now people who read the book can go back to the music and go “What?!” It’s just a more intimate interaction with the music.
This is a good read for anyone, even if they don’t know you as an artist.
I hope that’s true. We slapped a cover on it that’s really vulnerable and fierce. So if you can tell a book by the cover, I really love the book cover.
What would you tell someone who doesn’t know you to convince them to buy the book?
I would say it’s a deep dive into the human condition. It’s not a book only about me. It’s a book about how we can survive. I don’t have the answers for anybody but I just want to perhaps pattern healthy movement — and sometimes not so healthy, sometimes a big hot mess — and just being really honest about that as well. Come on in, sit down, I’ll sing you some songs, I’ll tell you some stories, we’re going to get close, we’re going to cry, it’s going to be great.
Have your three daughters read the book?
Two of them are in the process of reading it and one has read it. It’s for them. I dedicate the book to them and I absolutely want them to read it. I wanted them to understand how strong of a lineage they come from – from their mother, grandmother, great-grandmother and back. I have three women that I’m raising in this world and that comes with a responsibility for sure. I wanted to teach them how to use their voice, how to scream against injustice, and have a real sense of honour and to have courage – and they have that.
Have there been reactions to the memoir that really hit you or surprised you?
Yes, a lot that has hit me hard – but not surprising. I was expecting people to share their stories back with me. I was hoping that would happen. And I’m getting a lot of letters from people sharing their life stories, which means that they’re also unburdening themselves now, right? So there’s this conversation happening around sharing our suffering and therefore making it easier to carry together. That’s the greatest side effect of writing something … I just wanted to paint a picture of a beautiful life, a beautiful opportunity to live this miracle of existence through the hard stuff and then being grateful for that in the end. Even the worst, most painful teachings were the ones that have forged me into what I am now and that’s what I wanted to impart.
This interview has been edited for clarity and length.